The Baby-making Lab

New blog

2011-02-28T16:41:00.001-08:00

Hi! I'm not sure if anyone checks on me here anymore, but I got really busy moving, teaching and then having my beautiful baby girl, Lydia! She was born Jan 6, 2011 at 3:20 AM. She was 7 lbs 1 oz and 19 inches long. I'm excited to get caught up with everyone and see all our new babies!

I did start a new blog today so that family and friends can keep up with Lydia, so I won't be posting here anymore since the baby has been made and born :).

Please follow my new blog here:

http://littlebittylydia.blogspot.com/

Thanks! Hope everyone is doing great!!

13 weeks

2010-07-19T13:18:00.000-07:00

So I'm almost technically in the second trimester. Some things say 13 weeks is the 2nd and some say it begins at the end of 13 weeks. Oh well, I'm there or close.

I feel like CRAP. I took my 1 hour glucose test this morning. I ate a couple boiled eggs for breakfast. By the time I got to the lab I felt clammy and my stomach felt funny. Then I had to quickly drink the orange glucola stuff. I was worried I was gonna puke, but I was fine. Then I came home and crashed and fell asleep. I'm awake now with a headache. I have a giant jug waiting for me to collect my pee in. FUN. I start that tomorrow.

I'm anxiously waiting for my fetal doppler. I ordered it Saturday from bellybeats - well I'm renting it. I even did 2 day shipping for 10 bucks. I haven't received notice that it has shipped yet. Hope it does soon!!!

12.5 weeks

2010-07-15T11:31:00.001-07:00

Soooo I've been slacking on posting even though I always said when I finally stayed pregnant I'd blog all the time. Sometimes I just get nervous that the more I think about it and the more attached I get the more afraid I become.

My N/T scan went well. The u/s tech sucked though. She didn't speak and the pics she gave us were the worst ones. The genetic counselor was super nice though. I got my final results Tuesday and the odds were 1:10,000 so that is great news.

My 12 week appt was yesterday. Brad was late and felt like a douche, but it really wasn't a big deal. My OB is on maternity leave and I had a different one who was nice, but more reserved and quiet than my normal OB. I'll see her for a couple more months. We heard the heartbeat!!! I was so scared we'd have to do an u/s or something to hear it with the doppler, but it was loud and strong. I was able to breathe after that. Although my blood pressure was kind of high 132/75. The doc wants me to do a pre-eclampsia panel! She said to do it as a baseline or something. I have to get blood drawn AND collect my urine over 24 hours :(. It really freaked me out. I also at the same time have to do my 1 hour glucose test. I need to call the lab and see if I schedule it or just go in. My doc just said go into the lab and do it, but it seems like you'd need to schedule the glucose test at least... I don't know. I feel like a science experiment.

10 weeks

2010-06-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

I'm still shocked I made it this far and I'm still nervous it won't last. I have 10 days until my N/T scan and I HOPE the little bean has grown. I should be 11.5 weeks then and if everything looks good I may be able to breathe just a little bit more.

I told my mom last week - I put the 8 week old gummy bear pic in her birthday card. She was shocked and then asked if it was a boy or girl. HAHA! I told her I didn't know - I'm only 9 weeks! She speculated that because I have no morning sickness it must be a boy. We'll see..... She is excited and talks about future stuff a lot - like baby sitting or a nursery. Those things I can't allow myself to think about too much yet because I'm still scared.

Many other things have been swooshing around my head though. I need to get this house in order!! It is a mess. I have to get the downstairs organized enough for company because we are having family over for July 4th. Also I need to apply for this job to teach at a community college here. It was posted awhile ago and I don't have quite enough teaching experience, but I figured I'd apply for two reasons. First, I have a PhD and it only requires a bachelors, so I thought maybe that would help. Second, I need to get my resume in there so maybe they'll think of me for another position. I need to revamp my resume though. I've been lazy. I also need to apply for a New Mexico teaching license. I may have to take a test to get it and I need to know sooner rather than later. Also, I need to look into applying for substitute teaching in the Fall. I dread the thought of subbing and especially as a pregnant sub. I'd surely be an easy target. Not to mention hormones making me potentially flip out.

All this and all I can make myself do today so far is sit here and eat a scone while watching really crap TV. I need energy. I can feel it coming back (hopefully not a bad sign), but I think all my muscles have atrophied :).

Relief!

2010-06-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

So my appointment went awesome. I was soooooooo nervous that my blood pressure was high (they checked it again at the end of the appointment to be safe and it was way lower).

I saw the baby gummy bear!! My doctor is so nice. I didn't know if I'd meet her today, but I did and she said oh let's do an u/s....AWESOME! Baby measured perfect - 8 weeks 2 days and the heart rate was 176 and it sounded soooo sweet. I didn't cry - it was more like an out of body experience. I was shocked how baby like it already looks :). I can't wait to show Brad the pics when he gets home. I need to find our scanner SOME where in SOME box so I can share the picture.

I love my doc, but I won't see her for awhile because she is having a baby in July and will be gone for 12 weeks! She was sooooo sweet though and said to call anytime. She said she normally doesn't tell patients that, but she knew I'd be worried with the previous miscarriages. She told me she knows is scary to be happy. Her sister had two miscarriages in a row. Anyways, I'm really glad she was so great even though I won't see her for a few months.

I still feel very cautious because of all the things you read about a heart beat and then next time nothing. My next appointment is in 4 weeks. Although she said if something happens that worries me she said to call and I can come in and see the baby. I hope nothing happens though. I want to look into a doppler to buy in the next few weeks.

Re-connected!

2010-06-12T09:55:00.000-07:00

Finally I have internet (and TV - which seems more necessary now that I don't have a job)! Thanks for the well wishes :).

We moved last weekend, and it was 107 degrees in TX!!! It was a horrible heat wave and how unlucky we were to move in the middle of it. Luckily we had movers, but it was still exhausting and hot. Then we drove the 5 hours to Albuquerque. My husband was in the biggest uHaul possible and I was following behind. It was kind of fun because we had walkie talkies.

As for baby stuff:
Just so I don't drag it out - I'm fine so far, but I haven't had an appointment or u/s yet. I have had a couple episodes of very very light spotting. One was before the move when we were staying at my Father-in-law's house. I felt a weird period like feeling and ran to the bathroom and the spotting this time was actually pink! I almost passed out when I saw it and I just knew it was starting. It was right before bedtime, so I figured I'd wake up to more blood......but I didn't. The next day I didn't have any spotting, but I called my new doctor and left a message with the nurses. When they called back I told her about my previous miscarriages and how I was spotting and that my old doctor was going to do an u/s, but I had just moved. She said they can't do anything because I'm not a patient yet (my first appt is Tuesday, June 15th). She said to go to the ER if the spotting continued. The spotting didn't continue, so I didn't go. I'm actually a little afraid to go to the ER because I have no idea how much that would cost even though I have insurance. Anyways, I had one more instance of spotting a week later the very day we moved. After we got into town pretty late, I had a little of the brownish pink spotting. The next day it was gone. So all in all I've spotted 3 times.

I am scared to death of my first appointment even though I know it is not likely I'll have an u/s the same day. I have this really bad feeling that nothing is in there. I mean my boobs sorta hurt and I've had very small moments of queasiness, but no major symptoms. I think I feel tired, but it is hard to tell because I caught a cold this week. I think I pee a lot, but I've always had to pee often. I also had this dream last night that I was in some kind of accident and they did an u/s while I was knocked out and my husband told me when I awoke that "they couldn't find her in there". AHHH! It was one of those realistic dreams. I hope it isn't an omen - not that I believe in that :).

So that is where I'm at - unpacking and waiting to meet my new doctor.

Too late

2010-05-26T08:57:00.000-07:00

Well the nurse (a different nice one) called me back this morning to tell me they scheduled an u/s for me next week......I'll be GONE! :(

As soon as I told her she almost hung up on me. I was like oh, guess I'm not your problem anymore. I wasn't thinking straight because I wasn't expecting them to call, or I would've asked for at least one more hcg draw or something. Dang.

Maybe I'll call the new place and tell them my doc was about to give me an u/s and see if they'll do it. Although I'm a little worried about getting it too early and then worrying extra.

Back to packing. I'm SOOOO tired and packing seems impossible. Getting closer though.

Wait and see.....

2010-05-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

UGH. That is what the nurse said when I called. I was shocked because my doc said at my last appointment right after the 2nd miscarriage that she wanted to follow my levels closely and do an early ultrasound. She said my doctor wasn't around and she'd be back in the office in a few days.....I told her I will only be here in town for ONE more week. She said well maybe my doc would be back tomorrow. Why can't they be just a little sensitive.

Of course I don't even know if my doc knows I'm pregnant yet. I just can't believe she'd check my levels again after I told her I was spotting!! Also they still haven't checked my progesterone. Sooo frustrating.

I did go ahead and make an appointment with a new doc in Albuquerque. The receptionist was really nice and said to call if something is wrong, etc. I hope that is a good sign. Also, I was able to talk to a real person at the office immediately!

Wait wait wait.

DAMN it

2010-05-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

Just had some brown spotting. I think I should be 5 w 1 d. That is how my other miscarriages started. Of course I'll call the doctor tomorrow, but I really am not that hopeful. It is just too similiar. Even though my levels are higher than they've ever been. Damn, damn, damn.

And my husband and dogs left this morning, so I'm alone for the week :(.

Rollercoaster

2010-05-22T16:16:00.000-07:00

My second draw was 995! That is a doubling time of ~1.5 days, so my hcg levels look normal.

It was crazy though because I didn't find out until 5 PM Friday even though I had my blood drawn at 9:30 AM Thursday. I was in agony waiting. Luckily graduation kept my mind off it a bit. I had to leave a message with the answering service because my doc never answers the phone!! I told the nurse that my tests were getting lighter so I was surprised the number was so high. She said maybe your urine was less dilute......HA! She doesn't know how experienced I am in the POAS department I guess. I told her no, it was FMU and looked concentrated and it was getting lighter and lighter the last two days. She shrugged it off. I asked if I should go in again since I've had 2 miscarriages and the lighter tests. She just said nah, I'm sure you'll be fine. Thanks....... Anyways, so after I found out that of course I had to take another test last night. My family was around and so I didn't get a chance until ~midnight. I took it (after a ton of peeing all day) and it was SUPER dark. I'm so confused. This morning it was lighter than last night but not as light as before. WHAT is going on??? I don't know what to think.

So I am definitely calling Monday and asking if I should do the early ultrasound now that I'm close to 1000. I think my doc mentioned wanting to do that when we chatted after the 2nd miscarriage. The crazy part is I only have ONE more week where I can go in there and have anything done or be seen. I will be moved (well half way -I won't be in town any longer during the week). So I have to find a new doc and I have no idea how long it will take for them to get me in as a new patient. I'll try to explain my situation to the nurses, but that doesn't usually go well for me. They act like I'm crazy and paranoid.

It is just a little test!

2010-05-20T16:29:00.000-07:00

Well I never got the results from my second draw. AHHHH!

What really bites is my family is coming in town tonight because tomorrow is my convocation (when I get hooded) and then Saturday is my actual graduation. We are having a party with a bunch of people at our house Saturday afternoon.....and I don't really feel like being around people. Yipeee. My timing always sucks. Last miscarriage was right before a trip. Oh and I forgot to add that we are in the middle of packing. My husband starts his new job Monday, so he is leaving Sunday. I'll finish up everything for a week and then meet him up in Albuquerque. So I'm going to be alone......completely alone because he is taking the dogs.

I just want to watch Lifetime movies and stay in bed.

Hope diminishing

2010-05-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

yet again.

I'm about to go in for my 2nd draw, which will be 72 hours after the first one. I started feeling positive the last few days because my first number was good and each FRER each morning was getting darker........until today. I couldn't believe it, so I took another one and same result (I pee in a cup so its the same pee).

It takes FOREVER to get results from my doc. At least I'm going early in the day, but that doesn't necessarily mean they'll get the result today. I want to tell the lab people to hurry!!! Maybe I will ask if I can call them?

I'm so angry with my body.

First draw

2010-05-18T16:10:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure yesterday when they drew blood I was ~16 dpo. I called to get the result today because they will never call and tell you! Anyways, it was 255......so that is right in the middle of the range. I just pray it doubles by Thursday.

The HCG game

2010-05-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

It took forever for me to reach my doc today. I called about 7 times over a few hours and kept getting the answering service because they were so busy. My doc is out of town, but the nurse said she will check my levels today and 72 hours from now (Thursday). She also told me to make a maternity appointment. I didn't do that though because I am moving! It always takes them about a month to schedule the appointment and I'll be gone. In fact I'll be leaving in less than two weeks. My husband is leaving next week and going ahead of me. I have no idea which OB to choose in Albuquerque. I posted on babycenter, but no one repsonded......so I guess I'll just find one online that looks good and call and ask a few questions.

Surprise!

2010-05-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

I got another BFP and I'm terrified. I don't even want to take a pic of it. I don't even want to think it is real. I just got back in town from trying to find a place to live in Albuquerque. I finally found one and drove home tonight. I'm ~4 days late for my period and felt a little off and super PMS-y and my boobs were the tiniest bit sore, so I tested when I got home. Sure enough I saw double lines. I just felt SCARED - not even excited. I told my husband - for the moment I'm pregnant. He just said oh ok. I guess he feels like I do. I'm going to call my doc tomorrow and I guess we'll probably check my hcg. I am soooooo scared. I hate obsessing over twinges and going to the bathroom.

Is this on???? Anybody?

2010-05-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

Bueller?

Just checking since I haven't had any comments in the last six posts which even for me is a little odd. I know I only have 7 followers, but it made me suddenly wonder if something was wrong with blogger or how I'm posting.

MOVING!!!

2010-05-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

In just a few weeks and I'm FREAKING out. Well sorta. We are moving to Albuquerque NM. It is about a 5 hour drive from here, so it isn't the easiest to do this in just a few weeks. My husband had an interview last week and then this week they sent the offer.......he accepted and put his available start date as May 24th!!! OH dear! So he is staring then....two days after my PhD graduation. I'm going to stay one week longer here to finish up packing. Next week I have to go find a place to live. We'll be renting a house first before finding one to buy. It freaks me out a bit that I only have a couple weeks to find somewhere to live!

As for baby stuff - I need to find a doctor ASAP! I have no idea how to find a good one in a whole new city.

Make sure you're living life and not just waiting for something to happen.

2010-05-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

That line is from a new blog I started following today. She has had a 3 year TTC battle and listed all the things she would go back and tell herself. I have been trying to do that and want to remind myself often to continue to live. It is easy to get consumed with TTC. In the past I just told myself once I get pregnant (to 12 weeks, etc) that I can relax and be me again. I need to find me now though.

Another line I saw in a blog that hit home was "I'm tired of living my life in two week increments." Amen!!!

Spring fever

2010-05-01T14:54:00.000-07:00

Happy May Day! I love May.

"The world's favorite season is the spring.
All things seem possible in May."
- Edwin Way Teale

I may be in a good mood because I am either ovulating or on the verge of it. Who knows. I did see the doc about the 2nd miscarriage. She looked sad and gave me a hug, which was sweet, but I don't feel as sad this time. I mean I was very sad during the miscarriage, but now I just feel like I want to try again and hopefully eventually one will stick. My doc just said they usually don't do testing until a 3rd miscarriage, but if we wanted to do it we could. I thought going in I really wanted to run a bunch of tests, but now I don't know. They do the genetic screening tests for sure. Then if you want they can do the HSG where they look at your uterus and fallopian tubes. She said the good news is you can get pregnant. Ok, thanks for the positivity - I appreciate that. She thinks since they are so early I will probably end up fine. Ok......I wish she'd tell me SOMEthing more. Like for instance she could've said "I've had plenty of patients with two miscarriages in a row that went on to have normal pregnancies."

The one thing that did make me MAD (not at her), was that she told me she DOES like people to come in and get their HCG levels checked as soon as they are pregnant, especially if they've had a miscarriages. That dumb nurse didn't want to check anything the last time I called even though I told her I wanted them to check. One thing that surprised me though is that she never mentioned progesterone. I figured that'd be the next thing. She just said take some extra folic acid.

She also said she usually recommends waiting two months to try again, but if I had already started trying that is ok. That was a bit of a mixed message. Since she said that I decided to go ahead and keep trying. We are BDing every other day. I hope I don't regret this, but I started bleeding 4 days after AF was due, so it was very early. I know if I have another miscarriage I will blame it on myself since we are trying so early. UGH

I know this is long, but there is another non-baby thing going on right now with me. I won't go into too much detail right now, but my husband had two interviews (one phone and one on site) and they are sending him an offer on Monday!!!! We pretty much think it will be good and we may be moving in 3-4 weeks!!!! Out of state!!! There is so much to think about baby-related with this news...........new doc, insurance, etc.......Crazy!

The birthdays begin

2010-04-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

About 75% of all the birthdays in my entire family fall from late April to mid June. Tomorrow is my sister-in-law's (husband's sister's) b-day. With all the recent drama I almost forgot - so we ended up getting her a gift card. ooooops.

My other sister-in-law's (brother's wife's) b-day is April 30th. She is a unique kind of person. I'm thinking about getting her this purse/bag from Etsy. It's 32$. Yes? No? I can't decide. I need to hurry though because I'll have to mail it to her.

Only 1.5 more days until my doc appointment. I have a nagging feeling my expectations for this appointment are a little too high.

Getting a bit nervous

2010-04-16T20:20:00.000-07:00

My appointment with my OB is Wednesday. I've only had one actual appointment before (one that I've been to - I made appointments the two times I was preggo, but never made it far enough to go to them). The appointment I went to was my pre-conception appointment a year ago. Well it will be a year and 4 days exactly.

*SIGH*

One whole year has passed since I was bright eyed and ready for some baby making. I just realized that. Don't get sad, don't get sad, don't get sad, don't get sad.

Ok, I'm not sad. I do feel even more nervous about my appointment. I've tried 8 cycles and been pregnant two of those. I wonder what she'll say to me. On one hand I hope she says 'bad luck' and go ahead and try again immediately. I don't want her to say wait. I feel like time is of the essence. On the other hand I hope she says she'll do something or give me SOMEthing. Maybe progesterone?? It sucks because I have to go in the middle of the day and if it isn't a good appointment, I still have to go and teach and be around little hormonal teenagers.

I want to fast forward next week.

Back to reality

2010-04-14T18:42:00.000-07:00

I got back from San Francisco last night and went back to student teaching today.

First - San Francisco was great! It was a very nice relaxing vacation even though I started bleeding as soon as we got there. We did all the tourist-y stuff like ride the cable cars and went to see Haight street. The seafood was great. It is hard to get decent seafood when you live so far inland. I needed to get away and even though I thought the timing was bad at first, in the end I think it was good for me.

Teaching was kind of nice today because I'm in the process of handing the class back to the teacher I'm under. She struggled without me and said she was exhausted and the kids were crazy. It kind of made me feel a little better since they are crazy for me and I was beginning to think I really sucked at controlling them. I think they are ready for summer break. She gave them a survey to fill out about how I did as a teacher. Most students were really nice and said I did great. The few things they suggested me to improve was to speak a little louder in the crazy classes and to not be so nice. HAHA! A few were pretty harsh though. I guess a couple students really didn't like me - one said I didn't do anything well. ouch. The honesty of an angry adolescent.

The future......? I'm still going nuts thinking about my future (career-wise, but of course that includes baby-wise too). My husband confessed to me during our trip that he thinks we should go for EVERYthing all at once. We should try full force with the baby making still. We should also try to find him a job in Albuquerque. The hardest part was that he thinks I should apply for a full-time teaching job at the school I'm student teaching at. They need like 5, yes FIVE science teachers. It is a GREAT time to apply. I didn't want to apply because we are trying to move and get preggo. I figured I'd substitute teach or try to teach a semester of junior college in the mean time. He thinks I could start and just up and leave the job if he got a job and we had to move OR if I got pregnant. I tried to tell him that I can't start a brand new job in a brand new field and suddenly quit if we had to move. I don't think that'd be a good idea. That is my new source of stress since after next week I will officially be out of school AND unemployed. I haven't been without a job or pay since I can remember. Now that I have my PhD and am older, it isn't easy to find a temporary type of job. I don't know what to do.

Sorry I rambled. After being MIA for awhile, I forgot how therapeutic blogging is.

Still waiting

2010-04-09T19:07:00.000-07:00

Just spotting. I'm waiting for it to pick up and be done with. On one hand I feel hopeless and very sad, but on the other hand I'm not nearly as upset as I was with the first miscarriage. It is very weird.

I get super sad when I think about how I planned to tell my mom for Mother's Day. Or, how since I am graduating with my PhD May 22nd that I could tell more family then. I didn't think once about names or buying stuff or anything this time because I knew I had to be cautious. I also didn't join the December Birth Club on babycenter this time. I just stalked the board for awhile. I can't look at it now. Why did I daydream about the other stuff? Damn it. Next time I will try to keep all of that out of my mind.

I also get sad when I think about the possibility of never having a child. Then I snap out of it and think - no way! I still have an inkling of hope. I need to fuel that inkling and try to be positive.

Other stuff that weighs heavy on me is our big plan to move. I'm in the middle of a sort of career change. I want to teach science and I'll be certified to teach in Texas in a few weeks. I have a perfect opportunity for a job at the school I'm student teaching at. BUT, we want to move. I want to move as soon as we can. We are moving to Albuquerque - SOME day. That is one of my other big goals. We have to wait for my husband to find a job there first. I am so scared it won't happen fast. Also, how am I supposed to find a job in a new field and try to get pregnant at the same time? I can't give up my mommy dream yet. I just can't.

Oh and we are headed to San Francisco for a quick trip. Well my husband will be there a bit longer - it is for his work. At first I dreaded the trip because of the impending miscarriage. Then today I embraced it and though it'd be nice to get away. Now I find out they are having a huge storm on the one day we'll have free all day together. I just can't find a silver lining in much of anything right now.

Waiting

2010-04-08T05:19:00.000-07:00

My test was almost non-existent this morning and noticed a touch of spotting. GREAT. I keep going back and forth between being sad and angry. Angry at my body and my doctor. I HOPE they take me seriously now or else I'll have to hunt around for a new one. That isn't fun.

This is bad timing too because we are headed to San Francisco Saturday for a few days. I'll probably be full on bleeding by then.

Oh well, gotta go to work now. Life goes on.

Scared :(

2010-04-07T17:13:00.000-07:00

Well I've been POAS since Friday when I got the BFP. I was so excited that this time the BFP was BEFORE AF was due. I knew that meant something was better. That was a small milestone for me. AF was due Monday, so I was happy to not see her and make it past that day. Of course that fear stays deep in your heart after a miscarriage and I've been on edge. The only way I thought I could calm myself would be to POAS constantly. This has backfired, sadly. I think my BFP was a little darker two days later, but now it is not getting darker at all. I've been using FMU with FRERs. This is an expensive habit. Especially since yesterday I started POAS in the afternoon too. Well, like I said the line hasn't been getting darker the last several days, but the line from today (in the afternoon) seemed lighter than yesterday afternoons.

I am losing my mind. I started scouring the web for people's tests to see how fast they got darker. The sad, depressing part was that usually if someone's test didn't get darker they ended up having a miscarriage. I think I found ONE story where a lady didn't get darker lines and everything was fine. I'm so distraught, angry, sad, you name it. I wish my doctor would do betas. It is so frustrating. I mean I am the one paying for the test. All they have to do is check the numbers.

To top it off, we are going out of town this weekend to San Francisco. My husband has a free trip for work and I'm tagging along. I've been excited about the trip, but now I feel like it is going to be ruined. WHY can't I be a normal woman.

Good Friday!

2010-04-02T15:23:00.000-07:00

Well, AF isn't due until Monday, but I kept having symptoms that were making me feel insane. My boobs were hurting and I've been so exhausted I can hardly stay awake. I also thought I was having weird waves of nausea. I originally planned to wait on AF, but went ahead this morning. I almost forgot I was gonna test. I dipped the stick in the cup and went to find coffee. When I came back I found this to my surprise!

I was sooooo happy. My DH was still asleep, so I put the test on the table and waited for him to get up and get breakfast. I was drying my hair when he ran in and was soooo happy too! It was hard to finish getting ready for work. We're both a bit scared too b/c of the early m/c in August.

As for the doc. I called frantically this morning in secret - so the teacher I'm doing my student teaching with wouldn't hear me, but it was busy. Finally got through and my appt isn't until April 30th. I was fine with that, BUT they wouldn't let me come in for a blood draw to check things :(. I don't know why my doc's office is against that. She said with only one m/c they treat it like a regular pregnancy and just call if I start bleeding. Gee, THANKS! It makes me want to change like I wanted to last time, but I don't know which doc's would see me earlier and be more accomodating. Anyways, I'm very cautiously excited!!

CD 2 - bitterness has set in.

2010-01-30T14:45:00.000-08:00

Ok I did finally shed a tear or two in the bath tub last night.

I started thinking about how if I got preggo this new cycle I wouldn't be due until November.....meaning that I'd have to find some short-term job between May and November. I can't get a new job easily if I'm already pregnant. I know you are supposed to keep living like you would and keep trying and work it out when it happens. That is WAY too difficult for me. I've always had a plan for everything. This weird unknown causes me tremendous stress is so many ways.

I also started thinking about how I've been on baby center for a year and all the BFPs people get. How it isn't fair.

I'm still in a bad mood, but better today. AHHHH, the roller coaster. Why can't I be one of those people that doesn't care?

I started looking at those clearblue fertility monitor thingies. Does anyone know if those are worth it? I can't decide - but if I wanted to use one this cycle I'd have to get it ASAP.

Well on to cycle # 6 of TTC.

CD1 again

2010-01-29T09:00:00.000-08:00

Here I am.....again. Strangely I didn't cry this time. I usually have a cry on CD1. It isn't always a big production. Sometimes I just get a little teary and angry and then go on. Today I just predicted it. If she hadn't shown today was the day I was going to test (would've been CD34). SO I woke up having to pee and I peed in a cup just in case, but I had this feeling and told myself well right after I pee I bet if I wipe (sorry for the graphic-ness) that I will be spotting. My psychic abilities were spot on. I wasn't that sad for some reason. Maybe because it was the perfect day to start because it is a snow day here and school is canceled!! The perfect day to be grumpy and crampy. OR maybe my expectations have diminished completely and I think I'll never get pregnant so I am actually starting to expect a BFN.

The sadder frustrating part is that on my small board on babycenter, almost EVERY one is pregnant. On our January post, there were 5 of us (that is all that is left and one of those people is new) and 2 people got preggo. One girl has been trying about as long as I have and I'm very excited for her. I'm also excited for the others too. They are all great women and I love talking with them (well typing with them). BUT it is so scary to be the 'last picked'.

Maybe I can make a margarita with snow? Oh and I need to vent about student teaching. Geez I've only been there two days, but it has been nutty. 9th graders are crazier than I remember. I don't know how I'm going to be able to get these kids under control. The teacher I'm following doesn't seem to have them under too much control. I'm scared! Also, she wants to just throw me into teaching - she just said 'oh go over these notes', but didn't give me the notes to look at a head of time. I am a planner people!!! We'll see how next week goes. At least it keeps my mind occupied.

CD 26, 6-7DPO

2010-01-21T09:30:00.000-08:00

I'm on the verge of freaking out. I'm trying to stay calm, but too much is going on in my brain! AF is due anywhere from this weekend to the middle of next week. Also, I start my student teaching next week! Too much going on all at once for me. I am glad though that if I am let down again that I hopefully will have my mind occupied with student teaching. Although I definitely don't want a let down to interfere with student teaching. What if I start my first day of student teaching!!! OH NO, I just thought about that. I don't know much about how the whole teaching thing will go, but when I observed I only had like a few minutes to go to the bathroom and the closest one was the one where high school girls were hanging out gossiping. Oh dear. I always imagine the worst scenarios. Well I hope if she comes to town that it is sooner than later I guess.

As for symptoms:
1. had a headache the last two days, but it is gone now.
2. have some twinges down low, but I think I've had these before when I ended up not being preggo.
3. I did feel slightly nauseous, but I think I was just hungry.

Anywho, it really is too early to feel symptoms anyways.

Dancing queen

2010-01-14T20:47:00.000-08:00

We've been BD'ing for 3 straight days and since I FINALLY (CD19 today) got my positive OPK, we will continue our dancing for a few more nights. Yesterday I was going to post my fertility friend charts, but everything has been so hectic and then today got a super positive OPK.

On another note - the reason I've been insanely busy is because tomorrow is my LAST DAY at work/grad school!!!! I feel so weird about it - I cleaned out my office today.

Ok third thing - I just found out about this great bakery that specializes in cupcakes!!!!!

Now I'm gonna go nuts in the 2ww.

O did I O?

2010-01-11T21:21:00.000-08:00

That is the question that plagues us continually!!!!

My temps have been funny and I haven't had a + OPK yet, so I'm a little annoyed. I'm on CD 16, which is the CD I ovulated on last month. Of course I expect that if I did indeed have a CP last month, then my cycle MAY be slightly off. I sure hope so!!!!

In other new: Friday will be my LAST day in the lab. I will start my student teaching Jan 25th! It is so weird to leave. I've been doing research for 7 years now. Teaching suddenly seems so scary....

Can you imagine?

2010-01-05T08:02:00.000-08:00

Can you imagine if you were one of those extra fertile people that accidentally get preggo when on birth control pills or after one unprotected rendevous? I was reading a 'mommy blog' the other day that mentioned her redneck neighbors who had twins and lived with their siblings that had quadruplets au natural! I think that getting pregnant completely unplanned sounds scary - but maybe not as scary as not getting pregnant.

Hello 2010! :)

2010-01-04T08:17:00.000-08:00

I am a little excited about 2010! I have lots I want to do this year:

PAINT AND ORGANIZE THE OFFICE (this has been a goal for awhile now)

Finish my teaching certification - student teaching and PPR exam

Officially graduate in May - PhD is defended, just need to get the diploma in my hand

Help DH find a new job in a new city!

Get pregnant!!!!

Move to new city!

Sell our house and find a new one.

Find a job (either research or teaching related) in the new city!

Goodbye 2009!!!!

2010-01-02T11:44:00.000-08:00

I am happy to say goodbye to 2009! Some parts of it were good, but mostly it was a roller coaster. Not just a TTC one either. I want to sum up the major things that happened over the last year:

January: Started an alternative teaching certification program

February: Decided to start TTC in May

March: Took a leave of absence from my PhD program, but stayed in the same lab working as a technician (which paid lots more!). Also gave up caffeine.

April: Had my first visit with the OB/GYN about TTC. She said a little caffien was ok, so I started drinking coffee (my true love) in the morning again.

May: Turned 30, started TTC, and re-joined the PhD program after talking to my favorite committee member (who was also my Masters mentor) who thought I could finish up by the Fall.

June: TTC cycle #2. Did TONS of experiments trying to finish up my project.

July: TTC cycle #3. Committee agreed I could start writing my dissertation!!!!

August: BFP after AF was 2 weeks late!!!

Semptember: miscarriage at 6 weeks. Began writing my dissertation and consuming LOTS of coffee.

October: 1st wedding anniversary! TTC break. Started writing like a mad woman.

November: Defended my PhD!!!!!!!! Mini vacation to Taos in the mountains:).

December: Back on the TTC train. Possible chemical pregnancy.

I want to think about my goals for this next year and write another post soon.....

On to a New Year!

2009-12-29T10:07:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm not really feeling optimistic, but I feel better than I did the past two days. AF was due on the 23rd, but I waited until Christmas day to test. My boobs were very sore like they were the first time I was preggo, so I had a good feeling (although I tried to ignore any symptoms). Christmas day I tested with FRER and I saw the faintest thing - not quite a line, but I knew it was a positive. I figured I'd test again in a few days. Well we headed back home Sunday and I started bleeding. GREAT!!! We were actually finishing up breakfast with some friends on the way out of town :(. I'm sure I acted very strange, but I just wanted to get out of there. Anyways, I'm guessing that was a chemical pregnancy. I was so angry the last few days and of course now I feel crampy and like crap. Some people say 'well at least you know you can get pregnant', but somehow that is NOT comforting at all. I mean if I try to be positive, I see what they are saying. But to me, it just means maybe there is another thing wrong with me. OR it is bad luck. Whatever it is, I hate it. I don't know whether to call my doctor. To be honest I don't want to.

To top it off, I have a GIANT list of experiments to do from my boss. I only have until Jan 15th before I leave the lab. I'm starting my student teaching at the end of January. So, my boss has unrealistic expectations of what I can do in my remaining two weeks left. Yipeeeeeeee - I don't even want to be here.

6 DPO

2009-12-16T09:10:00.000-08:00

Well the deed has been done and now I am waiting waiting waiting. I don't feel quite as obsessive as I used to, but I'm a little annoyed because it is the holidays and my friends are inviting me to have a drink with them before we all head out of town. One friend knows I may be trying soon, so I was able to tell her I can't drink until after Christmas. I could pretend I was on antibiotics or something.... I am not that sad about not drinking. I just hate it when you try all this things and avoid everything and then suddenly you realize you weren't pregnant and it was all in vain. I know it isn't in vain when you get that BFP, but not drinking, etc., makes me feel like I am preggo, so when it ends up being a BFN it seems even more sad.

AND testing time will be when I am at my inlaws!!! Are you kidding me?

Green light

2009-12-10T13:02:00.001-08:00

AHHHH

So I think I am ovulating. Actually I may be ovulating at this very moment. Since the miscarriage, my cycles changed - they have been consistently 28 days and before they were 32-33. So I decided to go ahead and do the OPKs and temp just to make sure I'm ovulating and to get an idea when since I figured the new cycle length meant my O day changed too. Well today I am CD16 and this morning I had a positive OPK and my temperature was a little lower than it has been. I didn't really do the temping thing before, so I don't know what it should really look like for me - I've just spied on a million other ladies' charts. AND at this moment I feel a slight pain that may be O pain. I don't know because I don't usually feel it (have a few times, but not every time) and it coincides with the positive OPK and temp drop. I think sometimes when I have this pain I think I have URI that never ends up being a URI....Anways, we DTD last night and will definitely be for the next few days. We'll see. I'm trying to remain relaxed with low expectations.

FINITO!!!!!

2009-11-22T10:43:00.000-08:00

I defended my PhD on Friday and passed!!!! I am so done. You can call me Dr. J now :). Just kidding! I am just soooooooooo relieved to be finished. It is slowly hitting me. My family finally left and I can chill out without any pressure and next week is Thanksgiving! We are going to Albuquerque for TG, and afterwards we plan to go up to Taos to chill in the mountains for a few days. I need to relax, so I can't wait. Soon I should have my last AF before we can try again. I am so nervous and scared. I may just say lets not use protection and DTD often without putting too much pressure on ourselves. Last time it took me ~3 months for my BFP, so I won't be betting on a positive right away. Although it probably will consume my mind just because of the miscarriage. I hope I don't go as crazy as I did before.....

no more writing!

2009-11-10T12:16:00.000-08:00

My dissertation is finished and turned in!

Of course I'll have to make edits, and there is the defense looming over my head....

But I am SO happy to be finished writing!!!!

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T12:24:00.000-07:00

Can't believe it has been TWO months-ish since I last blogged. I have been busy, but it has flown by so fast I can't believe it has been this long!

I'm at the final sprint of writing my dissertation, and I'm exhausted. I'm having trouble sleeping - both fall asleep and staying asleep. I start to panic a little thinking of all the details I need to attend to and my mind races, which causes my heart to race, and I lie there wide-eyed awake. AHHH. Then the next day begins and I realize I need to hurry and start working because I'm behind and I can't sleep in. Sometimes during the day I become so anxious I can't sit still and work. I'm not usually like this, and I don't really know why I am so anxious now. Logically, I know I'll finish, and I'll do fine and pass and all that. I keep letting my mind scare me though. Frustrating.

It does not help that my boss is a little nuts and critiques my writing in such a harsh way, and that I disagree with most of her comments. She doesn't write very well - and I've been told many times how well I write (at least when it comes to science). That little fact is hard to remember when she is so confident and adamant in her claims, and does not listen to my explanations. She merely takes a breath while I am explaining and moves on to the next complaint. I try not to be defensive - I know it isn't necessary and it doesn't allow you to take in the good advice. She really got to me yesterday though. I think it stemmed from exhaustion, but as she began to berate me, I felt a few tears in my eyes. I just looked down and tried to tighten my face. "never let them see you cry!!". BUT she did see me and tried to hug me. That did not help. I don't need hugs and such from her. I need respect and sanity. That is all.

I can't WAIT until the next 3 weeks are over!

Feeling a bit blue

2009-09-02T10:46:00.001-07:00

I was pretty positive yesterday - until an annoying ex-co-worker popped back up. A post-doc I used to work with is upset about the paper I am publishing. We had conflicting results last Fall (I ended up being right, by the way) and he verbally attacked me pretty consistently. He had serious anger issues. He even verbally attacked my boss and called her an idiot to her face. I don't know why she allowed this. Well finally last Spring my boss asked him to leave and even helped him find a very good lab. Some of his work is contributing to the paper I am writing and he will be a co-author, so she asked him for some info. That is what started his tantrum. He wants to be first author or equal first author (for the non-science people: first author is very important). He doesn't even know what the paper is about! My boss is mad he is acting this way and said she will not make him first author. I just don't want to think about or deal with this guy. I hope this resolves quickly.

I also started thinking about how 'The Office' will be back on soon. I was excited for a second, until I rememberd that Pam found out she was pregnant at the end of last season. ughhhhhh. I thought about this last week and thought in my head how I was excited to be pregnant and would get to watch Pam be pregnant too (stupid I know - it was just a silly fleeting thought). Now I just feel like a loser.

Numbers going down!

2009-09-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

It is weird to be happy about low hcg numbers, but I'm happy to say I'm down to 16 already! That was fast. The nurse said it means it was 'complete'. I'm glad it happened relatively fast and easy. I hope my AF comes in to town in a decent amount of time ~ like a month. The nurse said to wait at least a month and said my doc usually recommends waiting 3 cycles. I'm planning on waiting until at least the end of November anyways for other reasons, but I hope things get pretty normal by then. I'm trying very hard to be positive and look forward.

Sunday bloody sunday

2009-08-30T07:14:00.000-07:00

Well I woke up pretty crampy and now I'm bleeding a little more. I'm positive this is it. Oddly enough I can only say that if it is, then I'm a little relieved. I don't want to drag this process out and I was also scared of an ectopic. I hope (in a way) that my numbers are closer to zero tomorrow.

bad news

2009-08-28T14:39:00.000-07:00

So, I'm almost positive I'm in the middle or actually possibly at the end of a miscarriage.

I started spotting brown yesterday and freaked and called my ob. They said its normal but go ahead and come in for a beta HCG draw. I got the results this morning and she said it was 100 and does not know what to think. She said either I just got pregnant (which is doubtful because I haven't had sex in awhile since I've been paranoid). Or I had a miscarriage and didn't know - or just a missed period (which is unlikely since false positives on hpts are rare and 100 is high for a fase positive blood test). Also, I'm spotting and I never spot with my period.

I go in Monday again for another blood draw to see which way the number is going, but I don't feel good about it.

If it is a miscarriage then I don't know what to expect - did it already happen and I absorbed it or is it about to happen and going to be very painful? They won't do an u/s because the numbers are so low, but I'm worried they need to in case something is left behind (sorry) or wrong in some way.

Monday feels like an eternity away. What a roller coaster.

I need time to go both fast and slow!

2009-08-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

I am 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant according to my LMP today. Man time is going sooo slow on the preggo front! I called my doc about the first appointment, and they will check for a heartbeat. I will already be 11 weeks by then! This is going to be the slowest most painful month ever! I thought the two week wait (and 4 week wait in my case) was excruciating, but this is scarier. I looked into renting a fetal heart doppler to check myself before my first appointment, but I guess it is usually hard to find a heartbeat on those things so early.

I have absolutely no morning sickness, so that worries me even more. I know some women never get it, but it would be welcomed if it were a sign that everything is going well. My boobs are still sore and I'm always starving and tired. That is about it though for now.

All the obsessing is making it difficult to concentrate on writing! I shouldn't even be on here blogging! I need to finish up my paper ASAP and start on the dissertation. It is already past noon and I haven't written anything!!! My defense is scheduled for November 20th, so I have until ~ mid November to write. Luckily that is later than my original plan. I need to get in the flow of writing really soon though, but this baby thing is preoccupying my mind.

Doctor's appointment

2009-08-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

Well after I came down from being excited, I realized I needed to make a doctor's appointment. So, I called my OB/Gyn and it sounded like a different receptionist (thank goodness). She started taking my info for insurance etc (even though I've been there before - ??). Anyways and then she said the first appointment would be to fill out paperwork for pregnancy stuff and to go over insurance coverage, the second would be with the nurse practitioner and the third would be with the doctor. I thought OK, fine. Then she said the first available appointment would be September 25th!!! AHHH! By then, I will be 12 weeks! And I think that appt is just to do the paperwork. I'm already worried because it took so long to get a positive and now I won't know anything for 5 more weeks!

So, after thinking and worrying, I called this other OB office. It is actually connected with the clinic where my PCP (primary care physician) is located. Also, a friend had that OB deliver her baby and she was happy. They were very very nice, but also said they were booked until late September! I'm trying to ask some friend's in the medical community around here about docs they would suggest. This is killing me though. I may call my current office back and explain my worries. Every place can't be booked?? Is everyone having a spring baby or something.

I can't believe my eyes!!

2009-08-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

So - the receptionist that told me two days ago that there was no way I could be pregnant -

SHOVE IT!

So much for closure

2009-08-18T07:43:00.001-07:00

I feel like such a baby right now. I called my OB/Gyn office today and tried to explain to the receptionist that I'm a little over two weeks late and the urine tests are negative and maybe I could get a blood test. She told me that since I'm so late a urine test would show up if I were pregnant in a very condescending way. I told her that I want to find out what may be wrong if I'm not pregnant because it isn't normal for me. She asked if I was even a patient there - I said yes. Then, she told me a blood test will only tell me if I'm pregnant or not, that it won't tell me what else could be wrong....DUH!!! - I'm getting my freaking PhD in cell biology in 3 months - not that she knows that, but why did she have to talk to me like I'm stupid? I told her I knew that and just figured it would rule it out and she laughed and said I'll put you through to a nurse. I started crying and the nurses were busy so a recording came on and I just hung up:(. I never cry like this - I feel like such a baby and I don't want to call back. I don't know if I will. I wish something would happen! This sucks.

imagination

2009-08-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

Today I am two weeks late and I tested with FMU with a FRER - for the first time I imagined a second line. I've never been able to imagine a second line no matter how hard I tried. I ran to Brad and made him investigate and he thought he barely saw something too. I'll test again tomorrow I think and make an appointment if it is positive. I saw some weird things about sometimes the second or third MU give better results - I have a hard time holding it though. I'll try to take a photo tomorrow. I need to go buy a test tonight - I'm tired of buying them though.

a possible "symptom"

2009-08-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

I just started noticing two days ago that my breasts may be a TINY bit sore. It is so slight though. Anyways, I'm glad SOMEthing is happening - sore boobs could mean I'm pregnant OR AF is about to arrive. Either way, I'm happy something changed. I'll test Monday at 2 weeks late if AF has not arrived. The 4 week wait. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

SHOCKED (PhD related)

2009-08-11T14:48:00.000-07:00

I just had my meeting...and although one of my committee members gave me a hard time, they signed the form that says I'm DONE with lab work!!!!!!!!! This is insane!! After four years of doing my PhD I really never thought this day would come. Now I have to get writing! and fast! I may have to have it written by the beginning of October. I hope I can focus with all the baby stuff in my mind. GRRR - I just want to know what is going on so I can move on and focus.

I'm SO happy right now:)

even more annoyed

2009-08-10T15:11:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is my BIG meeting, where my committee will decide my fate. I hope they say I can start writing my dissertation. I hope hope hope so!

AND

why the heck is AF delayed RIGHT now, on the eve of this meeting. Stress can make you late, but I'm actually very indifferent. I used to stress about committee meetings and stuff, but at the moment I feel indifferent. Can being indifferent perhaps delay AF? I'm really trying to will her to come. Mainly because I doubt I'm preggo (with negative hpts) - and I'd really like to have a drink to celebrate or mourn how my meeting goes tomorrow. I'll give it one more week before testing again. I just need to keep my mind somehow pre-occupied....

Summer is ending

2009-08-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

Well I'll start with - tested this morning and NEGATIVE - I'll worry about that later though, because I can't let it consume me too much even though it already is.

Went to a great concert last night - Willie Nelson, John Mellencamp and BOB DYLAN! It was so hot when we first got there, but once we were in the shade it was great! Willie was great. I didn't know too many of John Mellencamp's songs though.....and then of course Bob Dylan is a legend. It was 5 hours and I was exhausted afterwards, but it was definitely awesome. I couldn't hardly believe I was watching Bob Dylan under the stars. I thought what a wonderful way to say goodbye to summer.

captain's log

2009-08-07T15:43:00.001-07:00

Tested this morning (@5AM) - BFN.

CD 37, possibly 17ish DPO.

No AF, 4 days late.

Feel like AF is here (i.e. slight cramping and feel "heavy" down below).

Back and right hip hurts.

Worried!!! - what if I really jacked up my body? what if it is ectopic? what if I'm sick?? What if I ran out of eggos?

I never thought I'd be hoping this much for AF to show......and I know it sounds dumb when people say "I'm never late!", but I haven't ever missed a beat menstrually speaking since my very first period back when I was 13. And I know stress can trigger irregularity in a cycle, but this was the first cycle I wasn't really stressed. OK, now that I've put it on paper (sorta), maybe she will show to laugh in my face! After all, 4 days isn't very long really. Now if it turns into several weeks, I may pull my hair out!

still waiting

2009-08-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

sooo AF (so far) is a no show. I was due Monday-ish. My cycle is usually 33 days and I'm on 36 right now. I haven't re-tested because I keep thinking it is probably something messing with my cycle or what if it was a chemical pregnancy.....etc. You always see those posts on babycenter "about BFN and no AF?!", and usually they end in 'not pregnant'. I'm never late and the ladies in those posts say that too. I know I haven't tested since I've been late, but I tested 1 day before she was due and it was definitely a BFN. I'm really trying hard not to get any hopes up and I really really really want AF to show up NOW or NEVER! AHHH! It is killing me. I tried to talk to my husband about it and he said "you always think you may be pregnant." He said he just blocks out all the ttc stuff until it happens. Nice. I'll just do this on my own and freak out over MY body while you just wait! I haven't decided when to test. Initially I thought maybe tomorrow (Friday) morning, but now I think I may wait a good full week.

will of butter

2009-08-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

I am due for AF tomorrow - and I had decided I wasn't going to test until she appeared......

Well for the last hour I've been clutching a FRER test trying to imagine a second line. I guess in the back of my mind the hip and lower crampy feeling gave me a sliver of hope even though I'd already decided before that I didn't think we were successful. I also figured that I'd rather see a negative result than have AF laugh in my face first.

Anyways, now that I know (since 93% of preggo women find out they are preggo the day before the witch is due) I'm not preggo, I wish she would get here quickly. I am still sticking with my plan to take a break for a few months. When AF gets here I'll really try to make that mental transition.

back and side pain

2009-07-31T11:29:00.000-07:00

SO - my latest fake preggo symptom is cramping and lower backpain. I am on CD30 today and AF should arrive Monday. I am so excited for her to come because I'm so tired of waiting. I also plan to take a few months off because I want to start student teaching in the Spring. I was annoyed having to wait a few months, but now I'm excited because I can go back to being me and not worrying about every twinge in my body. For the first time in my life, I hope the weekend goes by fast!

What is the definition of insanity??

2009-07-28T12:18:00.000-07:00

I think Einstein said something about doing something over and over again and expecting different results.........

well I'm not doing EXACTLY the same thing over and over again, but it feels like it. I'm making figures for my paper. I started last week and decided to use CorelDraw to make them scrumptiously perfect. It took me about a day to get used to the program before I really produced a good figure. Since that first day I have re-imported, re-cropped, re-sized, and re-justabouteverythingyoucanimagine! You see, my PI boss-lady changes her mind just in time for me to complete her last comments and corrections. I don't know if she has trouble making decisions or enjoys going in circles. I am hoping that we are almost done with the figures. I've completed all of them, but she will probably have some suggestions here and there.

As for trying to conceive - I've been having my fake preggo symptoms again. I've been nauseous and dizzy the last two days. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the heat and fact that I took my pre-natal vitamin on an empty stomach. Today I have a headache, which again is probably not related to staring at a computer all day. That was sarcasm by the way. I started reading about how preggo symptoms are similar to PMS symptoms and realized that the same hormones are involved. The annoying thing is that I never noticed these pre-menstrual symptoms until two months ago......so, will I always be aware of these symptoms in the future?!

cry, wimper

CD19

2009-07-20T16:03:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow should be the magical O day, but there aren't any clear signs it is coming. Well, possibly I may be feeling O pains, but it could be my imagination. I usually have EWCM ~3 days prior, but I'm not noticing much now. I did have some Friday though, which was CD16. I'm sooo confused. Argh.

There was a horrible storm last night and my dogs were freaking out and would not let me sleep. At all. It was around 4AM, and they were just standing on me. They aren't small either - they are Austrailian Sheperds. I had to be in to meet with my PI and I was such a zombie all morning. I didn't feel right. I even felt a little dizzy, so I took a nap at lunch time. I feel lots better now, but I was trying to attribute it to pregnancy already!!!! I don't even know if I O'd yet! I'm insane.

CD16

2009-07-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

I should O any day now and started getting EWCM on CD14, but today it isn't as noticeable. That is confusing! I hope I start to notice it again leading up to O time. I don't know if I may've O'd early. It usually happens around CD20. I haven't had a positive OPK yet, but I only test in the morning because I'm lazy and its hard for me to hold it that long! We did go ahead and start DTD EOD.

AHH! Yesterday my mom said my aunt had a dream I was pregnant and wanted my mom to call and ask me. I laughed and said no. I haven't told anyone in my family that we are trying, so that kind of freaked me out. I don't need any more pressure!

Stalling

2009-07-15T15:51:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of an experiment. One that I already completed, but realized I need to backtrack and confirm a few things. I just don't want to do it, so I'm stalling.

I'm on CD14! It is the middle of my cycle and it makes me nervous. I don't O until ~CD19, but I think I'll start the action tonight. I hope. I may need a beer first after this experiment. And if I didn't have baby on the brain enough, I saw my OB/Gyn in the cafeteria today! I work at a research hospital and she does research part-time. When I picked her, I didn't think about running in to her when I'm eating! Actually after no success month/cycle one, I started drinking coffee again (but just in the morning). She had told me it was ok to drink a little, but I told her that I had given up because I was a serious caffeine addict. THEN, when I decided to have that very first cup of joe after my month long abstinence, she was right there getting coffee in the cafeteria in front of me!!! Of course I kind of danced around her, so I wouldn't have to be face to face. Oh well.

I've also debated in my head TONs of times on whether it is a good month to try or not.....should I wait a few months so I can definitely do my student teaching in the Spring? If I got preggo in October, the baby would be due in July and I could do my student teaching while pregnant. BUT if I get pregnant now.......I will do my student teaching next Fall (2010) with baby in tow. Can I do that??! I keep thinking though, that if I wait, I will miss a good chance of getting pregnant......and what if it takes us quite awhile? I'd like to keep trying so I'd know sooner than later. Right now, I think my plan is to go ahead and give it a go this month and if it does not work out, I will wait out August and September and start to try again in October. I'm sure I'll change my mind in about 5 minutes. HA!

I hurt my toe.

2009-07-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

I had a great morning - I woke up early and actually fixed my hair a little. I had time to water all my flowers and plants and get coffee on the way to work/school. I had a meeting with my PI and even though she was somewhat demeaning, she gave me excellent feedback and complimented me on my outline for my paper. My husband picked me up for lunch and we decided to go to a new taco place and when we got out of the car my foot somehow found a hole hidden under the grass and a serious pain shot through my foot. I thought I was safe because I didn't sprain an ankle, but I ended up spraining my second toe!!! Crazy. I've been limping around the lab ever since. It is feeling a little better though. All I could think of "This better not interfere with ttc!!!!" and "I'm not taking any crazy medicine that will interefere with O-ing!".

I'm on CD 9 already!! That means I'm one third of the way through this month (cycle) AND it is getting close to O time. I really don't O until ~CD 19th, but I like to start early:). I keep trying to psych myself out by telling myself that maybe I don't want to be pregnant this month and maybe it would be better if I didn't get pregnant until later. I also keep freaking myself out thinking can I really be a good mom??! I don't know if I'm really thinking these things or if I'm trying to prevent myself from being upset if I don't get pregnant. It is not a good sign when you have full conversations with yourself!! Maybe it is the heat - it is 105 right now at 5:30 PM!

I can really see the light

2009-07-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

I have ~4 experiments (including repeats) left of the experiments my committee suggested at my last meeting! My next meeting MAY be my last one (fingers crossed!). My PI (prinicipal investigator) or mentor or whatever you want to call her suggested at my last meeting that she wanted me to be done by October. She said October because that is the deadline for defending my dissertation in order to graduate by December. Otherwise I will 'officially' graduate next May. If I miss the October deadline all it means is that I will have to enroll for a few hours in the Spring. Anyways, she suggested me finishing by October to the other 5 (yes I have 6 total members) committee members. As usual they just all stared at one another waiting for someone to speak. Finally Dr. H said he would like to see a dissertation outline before signing the form that I'm done with experiments. Then we all decided (to my PIs annoyance) that we would meet again in a couple months to see the dissertation outline and draft of my paper.

I am so excited! I hope they agree to my outline and sign the form releasing me from the bench to write! I mean I can already begin writing, and actually as soon as I finish up these experiments I will write the manuscript (which will included in my dissertation). I hope there are no kinks in the meeting and they decide to throw some random experiment at me for their amusement. I have seen it happen before, but I am lucky to have a wonderful committee.

I think I've put the most tedious experiment off until the end though. It will take me two days (yesterday and today) just to prepare for this small experiment. I'm making lipid/bile acid mixtures. I have 12 different sets that each contain 6 different components all at different concentrations. I have to make the lipids in chloroform to allow them to mix well and then dry them under nitrogen and in a lyophilizer. I guess I'm almost done. I think I'm going slower because maybe subconciously I don't want to be out of the lab. I am a little afraid of writing even though I've written many sections of my PIs different grants for her. I'm getting all my computers (lab, office and laptop) ready. I'm updating my endnote and making sure I can easily backup everything.

At least I'm busy, which keeps my mind off of other obsessions (like babies). I can't wait until I can wear clothes without fear of ruining them! When I'm in the lab I feel a little slob-ish because I purposely wear clothes that I don't like. I learned to do this years ago. I had too many holes in my favorite clothes. Today I am wearing a previously favorite shirt that has several holes in it already. Luckily my lab coat covers most of my labrat clothes.

I'm getting ready to run towards the end and catch that damn light!!

trying to be positive

2009-07-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

So I'm on cycle # 3 of trying to conceive and today is CD 3. I know some people try for a very long time and I shouldn't feel too hopeless yet, but I keep getting this nagging feeling that something is wrong with me. Part of this may be due to working around lots of reproduction researchers. One of my very good friends at grad school researched sperm, so I happen to know a lot about what can go wrong with sperm. I don't know much about female reproduction issues though since most of the people around me deal with male infertility. My area of research has nothing to do with reproduction though - I work with a cholesterol transporter. I'll vent about research and my PhD later though. Right now I have baby on the brain and it is killing me.

I plan to start getting busy again as soon as AF leaves. I did this last month and I really thought we were successful. At the end of the annoying 2 week wait I really thought I had preggo symptoms even though the whole time I kept telling myself that it was all in my head. I TRIED to not get my hopes up, but I did get them up in the end. Last time when AF showed I cried, but this time I couldn't cry at all. I just felt numb. I feel better now, but I still have this nagging feeling of what is wrong with me?!

I use OPKs to pinpoint ovulation, but sometimes the results are a little iffy, so I looked into getting the Clearblue fertility moniter which measures 2 hormones to help pinpoint your fertile days more accurately. I decided against it though. I feel like the more things I do to improve success makes me feel more disappointed if I'm not successful. I don't like temping either. I may go ahead and do it this month though to double check when I think I'm ovulating. I just hate making this such a science experiment!

Originally my trying to conceive window was only going to include May-July. I'm now on the final month of my window, which scared the crap out of me. I should finish my PhD by December and then plan to do a student teaching to finish up my teacher certification next Fall, so I figured if I had a baby between February and April that would give me enough time at home with it until I had to get back to school/work. When I realized I was on the last month of my window I started panicking. If I waited to do my student teaching and get a job, it may not happen for a few more years! I'm already 30 and I want other children. I also do not want to be young and energetic as a mother. My mom had me when she was 40 and I always wished she was younger (sounds horrible I know). Don't get me wrong - I love my mom VERY much. Also, my mom is not in the best health at the moment and I started worrying about not having a child while she is alives. That thought tore me apart.

I lightly mentioned my worries to my husband, and he said we should just keep trying and deal with the rest of life whenever I get pregnant. He is like me in that we both overplan. We had this great plan with my school/job, moving, finances and having a baby. If it does not happen this month then our plan will not work. Maybe the stress of the TTC window was not a good idea. I also wonder if my working environment (finishing my PhD) affects my fertility. Maybe it is all too much stress? One of my grad student friends who was a year ahead of me recently quit. It is kind of crazy because she quit after her committee said she could stop doing experiments and write her dissertation, which is INSANE. Anyways, but she had been trying to get pregnant for awhile and was seeing a fertility specialist for awhile (she is 27 by the way). After she quit her husband got a job in Florida so they moved. Two months after she quit she got pregnant!!! Maybe as soon as I leave grad school I'll get pregnant :).

Anyways, on to July. I hope I can stay calm and positive!